Kuch Bitiya Ki Baatein

Save The Desi Boy Child

“Do you smoke?” asked my Friday night date as I chugged back mouthfuls of Fiji Gold draft. When I got a sceptic smirk to my negative answer, Suruj’s warning about beer on first dates floated through the clouds above. Tsk. Through out the evening the question was asked twice again, smartly, in between conversations, in case I might ‘slip’ and admit to smoking (because how could it be possible that I drink beer and not smoke, right?)

Though this had to be one of the better setups I’ve been to this year. We both came to the table with glowing recommendations. He was slightly older but ‘fresh’ (never married), really well-established career-wise, down to earth, pleasant, genuine enough to consider settling down with, and desi.

And today I want to talk about the quintessential desi man.

I find going on dates in my 30’s is easier than 20’s. There is none of that ‘coyness’, twirling your hair through your fingers or that ‘tum pagala, nahiii tum, na tummmm’ crap. The dates are focused on the end, ultimate goal. So after the current affairs, job roles and weekend activities, the conversation turned to the issue of marriage. Suruj’s voice was haloing over my head again but the 3rd beer buzz must have kept it out because, I told him marriage wasn’t that important to me. His eyes boggled a little and then twinkled as he asked “So you just want to full enjoy then, eh?” No. I don’t want to ‘full enjoy’ and explained a little about why I felt like this (click here for post) and after a pause, he asked “Are you a lezzzzbian?”. Strike 3. I was out of there.

You know these days I’m trying. I really am trying. I’m out there. I promised Suruj I will and I am. I’m going out on every setup I’m set up on. I’m meeting people. I’m striking conversations. I’ve joined a gym. I’ve bought 3 shades of bright lipsticks at the Tappoos sale (which weren’t on sale. So that’s a $139 worth of lipstick – no shit). And I slap them bright things on everywhere I go these days. I’m out there.

And this is why we have to talk about the desi man today.

Have you ever met a desi guy who is looking for a wife who is a challenge? Someone who challenges him everyday to rise above and discover new heights? Have you ever known a desi guy who finds a smart woman so sexy that all he wants to do is spend rest of the Saturday afternoon in bed having sex and bantering about oh I don’t know, geo-politics? Do you know a desi guy who seeks a wife with a business aptitude and wants to start an innovative design firm with? Have you ever met a desi guy who wants to get married to you simply just for you?

No? Good for you if you do. But the desi men I know want a wife. Someone who knows how to operate the washing machine and work the new oven in his kitchen. A woman who stocks his fridge, entertains his friends and knows that his Van Huessen shirts have to be ironed inside out. A woman who respects him publicly and that possibly may mean keeping her opinions to herself even if she disagrees. And that with a smile.

Well fuck you.

Since the past 50 years (even longer) either in the motherland or wherever on the globe the diaspora has sunk roots in, desi women have been fighting a culture that has always put them second. And when a culture is followed by almost 1/7 of the global population, it is no small battle. Education rights, equal employment opportunities, freedom to speak, just almost across all aspects of life, women have had to fight to stand on the same platform and today though the fight is still on, we have a generation of strong, liberated desi women excelling.

But while we’ve liberated and empowered our daughters. They got left behind, our sons got left behind.

But while we’ve liberated and empowered our daughters. They got left behind, our sons got left behind.

Desi women today are earning, sexually active, opinionated, looking, finding, and discovering happiness. But where we have raised self-sufficient daughters, I think we failed to pass the memo on to our sons. While we’ve taught our women that they are equal, we didn’t update our men that they no longer are first.

Today we still raise our sons as our ‘raja beta’ and what most of them seek in a wife is a replacement of their mothers someone who can cook, feed and clean after them. After all that’s what their mothers have always done, isn’t it? Jab tuma aurat aayi tab kari…

How we rise our girls has significantly changed. Girls are now being driven to soccer practices, sent on survival camps. As part of the Duke of Edinburgh programme in high school, we had to go on a co-ed camping trip. I swearrrr to God, Suruj and her household was in a upheaval! Jaawan ladki jungle mein?? Kuch hoye jayi tab?? Ek din tuma shaadi hoyi…kouchi boli tuma aadmi (Like what does a aadmi have to do with camping??) But today, girls and camping is no big deal. So if we can teach our girls to be strong and bold, why aren’t we teaching our boys to be sensitive and how to wipe their own arses? And why haven’t we starting teaching our boys that a wife will have the same dignity and equality as he has?

Watch this powerful video, where we still instill macho-ness in our sons today.

This post started as rant but lookit Linda – This has just now turned into a.one.big.social.economic.problem! The marriage demands of desi women have increased and our desi boys just can’t pay up.

Anyway. Don’t really worry about the girl child. Despite it all, we are here. Standing, striving, succeeding. Go. Goooo. Go save the desi boy child.


Ps. – Don’t worry about my Friday night date ever reading this. He was too busy sussing out whether I really was a smoker and if I could cook fish in coconut milk (oh and he’d only eat the curry if the fish was fried prior to putting it in the sauce otherwise he don’t eat) to know about me, my life and my two cents. Till the next setup! x


2 thoughts on “Save The Desi Boy Child

  1. Yolo says:

    This by far the most realistic article I have read on trying to get out there to date and having desi boys pull out this crap on you!!


  2. Shyii says:

    You go girl…… Even I’ve heard Suruj trying to get you married. Then, I could imagine the pressure. Really love your blog Sharon. Lookin forward to more of it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s